


The Meaning Of Love

by mrbarbacarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Fluff, Harvard Era, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Pillow Talk, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 04:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13873167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbarbacarisi/pseuds/mrbarbacarisi
Summary: Rita spends a late night with Rafael and his confession throws her for a loop.





	The Meaning Of Love

Rita collapsed into the bed, breathless. She smiled at her companion. Rafael Barba. He was one of the smartest people in the whole damn university and no one gave him any credit. He was a great friend. And it didn’t hurt that he was incredibly attractive. He constantly impressed her with his skills, especially in the bedroom. Rafael always managed to take away some of the stress of law school — whether it was through commiserating in their miseries or getting her off in the most spectacular ways. 

Except he was a little clingy after sex. She didn’t mind sleeping over or some light cuddling. But unlike her experiences with most men, he was still incredibly affectionate just after orgasm. Right now, Rafael was placing kisses up and down her arm. 

She didn’t mind it in theory. It was nice to be worshipped. But this simple action worried her. She worried he was going to say something that would change their relationship forever. She liked them as friends and fuck buddies. She saw no reason to change that. But the more they spent time together, the more it seemed that he was developing deeper feelings for her. That was the last thing she wanted. 

Rafael pulled back and gave her a soft smile. “I love you.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. Because out of all the scenarios in which she imagined he would say it, she never thought it would be this one. Rafael liked elaborate gestures. Big declarations over a candlelight dinner. Not a casual confession while laying in bed together. 

“The classic right after sex play, huh?” she snarked.

“I mean it.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes. I do. I love you.” He punctuated his statement with yet another kiss to her neck.

She shook her head. “You want me. There’s a difference.”

He paused, considering her. “I know I said it right after sex, but I’ve been feeling it for awhile. Really if I said it _before_ sex then-”

“You’re still thinking with your cock.”

He rolled his eyes. “I really don’t see the difference. I slept with you _because_ I love you.”

She sighed. Here he was again. This was what had gotten him into trouble in the past relationships she had been around to witness. Rafael fell hard and fast. He was not used to being treated with respect. Showing him the slightest affection completely opened up his heart. And he ended up getting hurt. She didn’t want to add to that pain, but she didn’t want to lie to him.

“No,” she said. “You slept with me because you wanted me. But you had a good time and you’re high on endorphins so now you think this is love.”

He leaned down and pressed his nose against hers. “Because it is.”

He pulled back a moment later. She looked skyward. He nuzzled his nose against her shoulder as she spoke. “I really have to explain the difference between romance and sexual desire to you?”

“I know those are two separate things but I feel them both.”

She shifted from her back onto her side to face him more fully. “When have we _ever_ done anything romantic together?”

“Seriously?” He gestured to their naked bodies curled up together in the bed. Now she regretted allowing the cuddling and staying the night. It was a quiet intimacy she probably should have avoided.

She raised a finger. “Having sex does not count.”

“We cuddle. Late nights in the library. All-nighters in our bedrooms. Coffee dates. Lunch dates. Dinner dates. We hold hands.”

“That was one time. And only because you’re so short I thought I would lose you in the crowd.” Saint Patrick’s Day had been an utter nightmare.

“Still romantic.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Kissing.” He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips with a smirk. “All romantic.”

“You’re a sap. Doesn’t mean we’re in love.”

He huffed. “You’ll get there eventually.”

“I don’t think _you’re_ there.”

He propped his head up on his fist. His hand trailed down her stomach. “Why not?”

She pillowed her head on her arm. “I’ve already explained my position.”

“Okay. I can see that _if_ we weren’t already friends. We already have a relationship. This wasn’t a meaningless hook up to begin with.”

“Yes. And I think, you _think_ that you’re in love because we have a friendship _and_ have had sex.”

He laughed. “Isn’t _thinking_ you’re in love and _being_ in love the same thing?”

“That is a philosophical argument I am not willing to entertain right now. It is too late for an existential crisis.”

Instead of chuckling or responding with another barb, he sighed. His hand came to rest on her hip. His green eyes met hers with an intensity she usually saw between him and his other romantic partners. “It wouldn’t hurt you to say it back, you know.”

“I will,” she assured with a pat to his chest. “If I feel it.” She turned back over to face the door. As far as she was concerned, this was the end of the conversation.

But Rafael was not deterred. He only moved closer, spooning against her back. His hand rested on her hip again. “Wound my ego, why don’t you.” 

“You know, most men would be pleased to have me in their bed at all. And you’re upset because I won’t discuss my non-existent feelings.”

“Non-existent. Bullshit.”

“I really believe that you are reading romance into my feelings of friendship. I’m not going to say I don’t care about you because I do. But as a friend.”

“That’s okay,” he murmured. “I can wait.”

“Since when?”

“I’m willing to wait for you.” He resumed kissing her, leaving a trail from her shoulder down her back. It was incredibly distracting.

“If I’m being brutally honest.” She adjusted her position against the pillows, pulling away from him slightly. She needed to think. “I don’t think you know what real love is supposed to be or feel like. You have a skewed sample.”

“Why?” He wasn’t pulling away. He shifted closer again. His kisses continued down her side now. “Because of my parents?”

“For starters.”

“Mm-hm,” he mumbled into her skin. “Who else?”

“I am _not_ talking about your ex-boyfriend while you’re naked and draped over me.”

He rested his chin on her shoulder. “Did you ever think that maybe _because_ I have such negative experiences I would know for sure what real love feels like when I have it?”

“Possibly. Also it’s more likely you won’t believe that it _is_ real because to you, love has to hurt.” Everyone he had ever known to give him love had done it with their fists.

“You wound me all the time. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.” Light verbal teasing came no where close to the physical pain he had experienced.

“Maybe _you’re_ the one with a skewed sense of love.” He raised his head and lightly patted her hip. “Your parents are emotionally manipulative.” 

He never let her live down the weekend she had spent on the run from them while they were visiting. Nothing she ever did was good enough for them. She earned good grades, was accepted into Harvard, and was near the top of the class. Still not enough. She needed to be first in the class. She needed to find great internships. She needed to get a job at an all-Harvard law firm. She needed to become partner by 30. She was already stressed enough without their helpful advice. 

So much pressure. So many passive aggressive comments. And so much guilt she carried for not meeting their expectations. It was almost as if they wouldn’t accept her _unless_ she fulfilled their requirements.

“That is a correct statement,” she said, “but it does not discount my argument.”

“Yes, it does. Because you think anyone who loves you wants something else from you in exchange.”

She craned her neck to look up at him. “And what could you _possibly_ want from me?” 

Rafael was one of the most selfless people she had ever met. He would never ask for anything from her that she wasn’t willing to give.

He shrugged. “I dunno. Subject outlines? A verbal sparring partner? Coffee?”

“You got all those things before I seduced you.”

“No, no, no. _I_ seduced _you_.”

She gave him a sly smile. “That’s what I let you think.”

He shook his head. “That’s not the point. Point is _you_ have just as twisted a view of love as you think _I_ do.”

“Fine. I’ll accept that premise. But I _know_ I don’t love you. So I’m definitely the more rational one here.”

“Yes. Sure. But you still feel emotions like I do. Does it really matter _why_ we’re feeling the way we are if it feels genuine to us?”

“Most modern psychology would disagree with that statement for numerous reasons.”

He huffed. “How am I supposed to know _what_ love is if you shut me out?”

“I’m not shutting you out. I just think you don’t have another word for the affection you feel for me. Love is the best one you can find.”

“Rita.” He grinned. “You’re going to make me sing.”

“No. Do _not_ do that.” He had a very nice voice but it was far too early in the morning for love serenades. They really should be getting to sleep if they wanted to be conscious for class the next day.

He ignored her and started in a slow ballad. “ _I wanna know what love is…_ ”

“I will leave,” she said sternly.

“ _I want you to show me,_ ” he finished. “It’s _your_ apartment. But seriously. Show me.” His hand trailed down her stomach again to rest on her inner thigh.

“Now you’re just trying to seduce me again.”

Rafael cocked his head and smirked. “Is it working?”

“Maybe if you didn’t sing.”

“ _I wanna feel what love is…_ ”

“Oh my God. Shut up.” She pulled him in for a kiss, which he happily reciprocated. When they broke apart, he had a dopey smile. She grinned back. 

“It’s okay, Rita. You don’t have to tell me.”

She sighed. “What will it take for you to stop talking about this?”

He titled his head, considering. “Maybe another kiss?”

She rolled her eyes and turned away. “You’re insufferable.”

His lips tenderly met the back of her shoulder. “But that’s why you love me.”

“Just go to sleep, will you?” She pulled the comforter over them both.

He sighed as he sank back into the pillows. “Sweet dreams, Rita.”

“Goodnight, Rafael.”

She stayed still and wide awake for a few long minutes. When his breathing evened out, she looked over at him. He was fast asleep. Content in her bed. He never looked more at peace than when he was asleep. All of the stress and tension melted off of him. He was still handsome, but he seemed so much younger. 

This man was her best friend. Her confidant. Her rock during their tumultuous legal education. He was steady and strong. Stable. And now he was trying to change things. To him, it was for the better. For her, it was for the worse. No one she had ever loved had stayed around long enough to matter. She didn’t want to lose Rafael. But if she reciprocated his feelings, he would leave her eventually. Relationships end. Nothing lasts forever.

She settled back into her place, facing the doorway. Rafael was kind. He had seen so much pain, but it had just made him softer. More vulnerable. He deserved all the love in the world. She wasn’t sure if she was the best person to give it to him. Where he was soft edges, she was hard lines. She had learned a long time ago that love was a distraction from her goals. She didn’t want to shape her life to fit anyone else’s. She didn’t want to lose him because he disagreed with her decisions.

Maybe she could love him. Sometime in the future when they were established in their careers and both knew exactly what they wanted from the other. Maybe _then_ it could work out for the best. Not now. Not soon. But someday.


End file.
